The Passing There: October 2006

My husband and I attended a wedding a few weeks ago in a beautiful 1800's gothic style catholic church. The kind with the huge stained glass windows and those soaring ceilings all made of some kind of expensive stone like marble or granite or really fancy looking cement (I don't know anything about architecture if you didn't notice already). This was your typical full catholic mass wedding too so we were sitting, standing, sitting, standing, sitting, standing in this really old church with the most uncomfortable pews, kneelers that don't allow you to stretch your legs out at all and by god the temperature...it was COLD. I was convinced the church must have shifted down to hell (which in my mind should be cold not hot because cold is that much worse) in order to atone for the sins of the pedophiliac priests.

But I digress. My husband and I (2 very proud sinners) are at this full catholic mass wedding and they get to the whole shaking hands and wishing each other peace part (I still remember this stuff from my 4 years of catholic church attendance and I'm not even catholic) and we partake in the shaking and peacing and suddenly my ass gets smacked, by my husband, in this most holy of old holy (and drafty - it was cold) churches. I was mortified! My childhood church brainwashing, er, I mean upbringing kicked in for a minute until I realized my very first inclination was to smack his ass right back. I should have just done it because according to all those religions we're going to hell anyway. I better pack my fuzzy hat because my ears get cold when I sin too much.

The previous owners of our house put in some expensive very light gray carpet in the main traffic areas of our house. This sea of light gray covers the entire path from the front door to the kitchen, bathroom and bedrooms. They also put some even lighter beige colored carpet in the sunken living room right by the front entrance to our home. Over the years I have tried to steam clean this carpet and scrub out any would be stains with Resolve, Spot Shot and any other carpet spot cleaning product you can think of, but I have lost this battle. Here are the reasons why:

Reason #1

Our sweet baby girl was brought home from the Humane Society at 3 months of age. She potty-trained very quickly, but being a puppy still had a couple accidents. Nothing too momentous though so the pretty carpet was still intact until...

Reason #2

The one I asked for...yes, I asked for this one. Our little bundle of joy here was purchased from a very questionable lady (she lived in a very scary area with a large male rottweiler chained to the kitchen table and a small female rottweiler spinning in circles and barking like someone had tried to pull her little stub tail over and over and she just couldn't catch that mean person that was torturing her) who was selling the puppies too early (5 weeks!) to make some money for her husband's bail. I don't even want to go into the 2 small children living there. We're pretty sure our little boy stuck his nose in the crack bag a few too many times. He is the reason our carpet started to take on a smell and we slowly got mystery stains appearing out of nowhere. The bloody massacre spot is blamed on him from when he ran full force into the half wall knocking an electric melted wax holder (with red wax of course, scented like spiced apples, at least it smelled yummy for a little while) all over the floor.

Reason #3

Our final little baby that we brought home at 8 weeks of age (she was already 1/3 the size of the small reason #1) manages to make messes that have rivaled the Great Lakes in width and depth.

So, now we are the proud owners of some carpet of questionable color. I call it dirt colored but I'm thinking leopard spotted, splatter marked, drip-stained color would be a bit more descriptive. We love our babies more than all the beautiful new carpet in the world so I guess the flooring in our home will remain an ugly, dirty mess. They love each other too as you can see.

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